When you get along with your lover, you always 'blame and belittle' your partner, which will only make the other person hate you
Before writing this article, a girl asked me for advice.
She said: I have been in love with her boyfriend for less than a year, and the number of times he has talked about his ex with her has been no less than 20 times.
Every time she expressed her disgust and disgust, asking her boyfriend not to mention any topics related to her ex in the future.
Instead of listening, the boyfriend intensified:
"Look at you, you're not as good as my ex in this regard, I'm just chatting, and nothing happened, why are you making such a fuss?"
"Compared with your predecessor, you have a worse temper."
After the communication was fruitless, the girl broke up decisively and left this scumbag.
In the process of getting along with lovers, improper communication can easily lead to conflicts.
you can say it this way:
A considerable part of the conflicts in intimate relationships are caused by "improper communication".
What words do you say frequently that will arouse the other party's resentment?
-01
accusation, belittling words
There is a personality called "accusing personality".
I also mentioned it in a previous article.
What is a "blaming personality"?
To put it simply: the other party always uses belittling, attacking, and questioning methods to destroy your self-confidence little by little, and finally make you self-doubt.
With such a person, you are full of anxiety every day.
Your self-confidence, in the eyes of the other party, is arrogance;
Your success, in the eyes of the other party, is a fluke;
Your sorrow is hypocritical to him;
Your failure is inevitable in the eyes of the other party.
He is indifferent, he is arrogant, he does not understand you, he does not have any tolerance and praise for you.
With such a person, even if your love is very strong at the beginning of the relationship, it won't take long for you to hate each other.
Because it keeps you in self-doubt, anxiety, and internal friction.
Solution:
Getting along with loved ones, praise, support, and encouragement are always more effective than accusations and sarcasm.
Even if the other party does something wrong, what he needs is your understanding, tolerance and encouragement, not your endless ridicule and humiliation.
Because what human nature needs is praise and approval, not ridicule and belittling.
Your praise will make the other party more and more willing to communicate with you;
Your support will make the other party appreciate you;
Your encouragement and tolerance will make the other party love you more and more.
What kind of person you are, what kind of emotions you provide, the other party will be shaped by you.
-02
Comparing your partner to others
Like the consulting case mentioned above.
If say:
Your partner is used to comparing you with those around you.
His friends, colleagues around him, his ex, etc.; in the process of comparison, constantly point out your shortcomings, and then list the advantages of others.
How would you feel then?
Do you feel inferior, angry, wronged?
Most people's first thought is: "I'm your partner, am I that bad in front of you?"
The habit of comparing your partner with others not only has a low EQ, but also a low love quotient.
Such behavior will only arouse the other party's resentment and make the other party stay away from you a little bit.
Solution:
Accept the imperfection of the other party, admit the shortcomings of the other party, and at the same time recognize the advantages of the other party.
No one is perfect, even your parents, your children also have some shortcomings.
Could it be that the other party has shortcomings, and you don't love the other party?
Could it be that if the other party did one thing wrong, do you negate everything about the other party?
Never compare your partner to others with a superior attitude.
The more you compare, the stronger his disgust towards you.
He can be imperfect, because he is real enough;
He doesn't have to be so good, as long as he is good to you is enough.
Love is something that needs to be more tolerant and accepting.
-03
"If you love me, you must XX for me"
In the name of love, they did everything they could to hurt each other.
"I did this for your own good."
"If you love me, you should do as I tell you."
"You don't even want to do this little thing for me, and you still say you love me?"
"You don't love me at all, otherwise you wouldn't love me so much."
Are these words familiar?
In fact, hurting in the name of love and asking the other party to live according to your will is undoubtedly a kind of "emotional pua".
The other person is trying to manipulate you, to control you.
Such love is suffocating.
Nothing is taken for granted, especially love.
Even if the other party loves you again, but he has paid so much for you, but he still can't get the corresponding feedback from you, then he will be disappointed.
Coercing the other party under the guise of love and forcing the other party to compromise is "moral kidnapping."
Solution:
No one has to pay for you, and no one will live for you.
Not even the parent-child relationship.
Because everyone is an individual, and so is love.
You want the other party to pay for you, and you want the other party to do more things that love you. First of all, you have to pay for the other party.
How can there be rewards if you don't pay?
Some people say: Love is giving without reservation and without expecting anything in return.
This sentence is only half true.
In fact, there is another half:
"When the love, time, money, and energy given are not rewarded by the other party, the giver will withdraw."
No matter how much a person loves you, he should not pay for your life.
-04
Endless suspicion and suspicion
This reminds me of the drama "Passing Addiction", which can be called the pinnacle of domestic romantic dramas.
In the play, Du Mei is a typical "a little tricky" girl.
Worrying about gains and losses, hysteria, emotional instability, suspicion, and all kinds of tempers that little girls have, she has basically gathered them all.
In an intimate relationship, mistrust can take a toll on the relationship.
Like those long-distance couples.
Falling in love through the mobile phone screen, unable to be with the other party, will naturally have a lot of insecurity, and start to worry about gains and losses.
But the more this is the case, the more likely problems will arise in the relationship between two people.
Suspicion and suspicion will only make your relationship drift away.
Solution:
Trusting the other person means trusting yourself.
In any relationship, we should be more "confident" and more "optimistic".
The other party belongs to you, and will always be by your side and will not leave;
The other party does not belong to you, no matter how you try to keep him, he will leave you.
The person who should betray you, even if you are suspicious, you can't stop him from betraying you.
A person who will not betray you, no matter what you do, he will not do such a thing.
Peace of mind and more trust can make the relationship more stable.
Today's topic:
What do you think is the most hurtful thing to say when getting along with a lover?
(The source of the picture is "Scent of a Woman")